Getting It Wrong While Getting It Right: The Antihero
The superhero dad. Many of us men have that image in our head we aspire to, and believe the loves of our lives would like us to be. The man who has it all figured out.
He’s strong, confident, capable and can do no wrong. He whittles rocking chairs from solid pieces of Brazilian hard wood with his bare knuckles. After which, he cooks the perfect meat in a homemade smoker wrought from metal he refined in his custom designed forge-veggies if you’re vegetarian or vegan, but does this hero even need vegetables? That’s for another post and a health discussion on fiber.
After a great day “killing it” at work, or in the stock market, he lifts his joyful, smiling kids in the air and embraces his adoring significant other who gives his rock hard abs a touch. Before all that he was up at 4AM putting in the best workout of his life. His life is amazing.
Sigh, someday that’s us right?
Here’s the thing-can you relate to him, or is he unapproachable? Not everyone can throw a 75lb kettle bell while penning the most romantic letter their partner will ever receive. Think of it like this: If Thor was in your backyard right now, chances are your kids would be too shy and awestruck to talk with him. You want them feeling that way about you? Awesome, but unapproachable and inaccessible?
You know who is accessible? A guy who spills his coffee now and then or accidentally passes gas while wrestling on the floor. The guy who takes a wrong turn on the way to the game and maybe doesn’t know how to do literally everything. Regular dad/partner/bro is someone people can walk up to and connect with. Humans find connection with people who are like themselves…
…“Dad spilled his coffee, like I spill my milk.”
…”He was a little awkward when he met that new person, like I was awkward in school the other day.”
…”He just tripped and let me laugh at him. Next time I trip I guess it’s funny too.”
We should all aspire to greatness. It’s how we’ll lead our families to greater, healthier, more satisfied places. But, along the way it’s such a gift to give them an approachable mate/leader/father/friend. Sometimes being the anti-hero IS being a hero.
For better or worse I had the chance to put this into practice today…
This morning, like many, I woke up before everyone else to check financial news. I’m on the West Coast and the market opens at 06:30 my time. Some days I’m glued to the screen digesting news, and considering whether I need to adjust any financial positions while my wife and kids get ready for the day.
Today I decided to set that aside and help the kids while letting my wife sleep. I pushed past her objections and was persistent until she caved. I got a “thank you, honey” and a smile as she rolled over to go back to a peaceful rest.
Boom-I’m a hero, right? (Side note: I don’t do this nearly enough so hold your applause…you’re just getting to see a window into a single moment.)
I’m already starting my day killing it. Been up since 05:30, stopped the wife from getting up, now it’s go time. First let’s wake up the 16-year-old boy. He’s a deep sleeper so I shake his shoulders enough to worry I might dislocate one, then give up and tickle his face. He squints at me and lays his head back down, but I know operation rouse-the-manchild is accomplished.
I step out of his room and wait in the hallway, ready to give him a hug and start his day off well. Two minutes later I’m thinking I need to re-awaken him, when I hear his alarm. Oops. I’d woken him up early, not realizing he’d set it for himself. My bad. Apology and hug accomplished, I go to make my coffee while multitasking-reading up on more financial information.
A bit later, it’s time to take him to school so I bring him and check off the first box of the morning. Driving home-doing everything I can not to check the phone-it dawns on me, Crud!! I didn’t wake up the 8 year-old boy or make his oatmeal!
Fast forward to me getting him up with half the normal time he has to get ready for school. I check in on my 14 year-old daughter who is nailing it this morning. Phew! She proceeds to help make sure I know what needs to be packed for their lunches-pause for some credit here… I knew what to do…just proud of her for wanting to make sure her little bro had what he needed.
The three of us rush everything, get oatmeal eaten, teeth brushed and zip out to school-on time. Everyone has had breakfast, lunches, homework slips signed-yeah I signed the wrong date on the 8 y.o.’s, but it was signed! More importantly, hugs delivered for all. Personal aside dads and moms-if hugs are delivered, it’s pretty much a win, regardless.
I arrive home to get a little work done, and deal with spilled coffee-yeah that happened. A little later my wife comes down the stairs, sweet smile on her face, wiping a little sleep from her eyes. She’s greeted with the smell of hot coffee in the kitchen.
As she sits down cupping her hot coffee with her hands, she asks, “How’d it go?”
“Great!” I answer.
“Thanks for the rest,” she says, smiling still.
Yup. Nailed it.