Eric Thompson | Restoring Relationship After Mistakes

Last night was one of those nights. You know the one. Where you catch a child doing something they weren’t supposed to and you confront them, only in the process of talking to them about it, you overdo it. And by you, I mean me. I overdid it.

It happens to everyone, no matter how well intentioned you are. What matters is how you respond.

Unless you have a time machine. In that case all that matters is, don’t wreck the flux capacitor.

We *ALL* wish we had a time machine now and then

Parents-especially parents of older children-If you’ve done even one of the following, this post is for you-and me.

Have you ever…

Raised your voice?
Pressed a point too hard even after they’d gotten it?
Walked off frustrated, or sent a child away to walk off frustrated?
Used words or tones you regretted?
Demonstrated anger as opposed to loving correction?

Let’s be real here-raising humans is hard work. Some of you with strong-willed humans are nodding your heads vigorously right now. It’s ok, give your neck a break from nodding, and give your nervous system a break from the stress of in-home conflict, then follow me a minute.

There will be plenty of posts where I’ve gotten it right. This isn’t one of those. Let’s learn how to get it right after you I made a mistake. I can pretty much promise you, there will be at least one moment in your home where this is going to matter for you, for your children, and for the culture of your family.

Last night, I discovered child “Z”-I’m going to avoid identifiers to protect them-had done something which broke my trust, and had done it several times. In my better moments, here are things I believe and aspire to as a father:

Calling forward is far more effective than calling out. Calling forward invites children to be the best version of all that is good about them. Calling out mostly just says “bad!”
Loving and lifting up at all times.
Communicating in positive, constructive ways.
Being safe and approachable

Let’s put my response last night up against those standards. Last night…

I called out. Rather than communicate how to get things right and how to lean into Z’s best qualities, I focused on what was bad and led with shame. (Side note-Z is a wonderful person with many amazing qualities and I’m proud to be his/her father.)
I communicated anger and frustration. What is a teen going to do with that? Their brain isn’t even fully developed yet. Exactly how well can we expect they’re going to navigate someone else’s strong feelings, especially someone with authority in their life? I’m not saying I can never be angry. There are appropriate things to be upset about. However, it’s the way I communicated my anger that produced an undesired outcome in both me and Z.

The outcome (if we stop here) is likely a feeling of shame for Z, a sense his/her father is angry and-maybe-doesn’t view him/her highly, and a feeling of being stuck.

Not good, right? And I don’t have a flux capacitor either. Double not good. Come on, Doc! Where you at?!

But we’re not quitters here at 5X DAD and we don’t hide or allow ourselves to be stuck in shame. How can we protect our children from shame spirals if we can’t step out of them ourselves?

Here’s where there’s hope. Yes, you I screwed up, but even that is a moment to teach our children.

6 steps to correcting a mistake in your approach

Grace: It’s time to take the high road. Whether it’s apologizing & owning a mistake, or showing gentleness in spite of a child’s behavior, demonstrate grace by giving care, tenderness and love regardless of their behavior. This can be especially important with those older children if they’ve learned how to push your buttons. In this case, this looks like me apologizing for my mistakes, and not couching them in anything Z did or didn’t do.
Vulnerability: Show them a man can see his flaws, feel remorse, and want to make things right. Try something like “I didn’t like when I blah blah,” and “You didn’t deserve that. You’re worthy of better treatment. I’m sad about how things went.” By dropping your guard, you’re creating a safe place for them to be open too. It’s ok to admit sometimes you don’t like your own behaviors and choices and to show you want to overcome them. You’re not perfect, right? Why not be open about that and give them permission to not be perfect too?
Honesty: Showing grace & vulnerability doesn’t mean we’re not going to be real-especially with older kids. They may have done something worthy of being upset at. We’re not going to abandon parenting just so we can give them a momentary good feeling. It’s loving for us to course correct when necessary. What we’re focused on is a proper response. We’re going to stay away from two extremes. One of those being saying only “nice” things, and the other extreme being speaking harshly. It’s important to speak the truth in love. In this case, Z gets to hear from me, “When you did blah, it made me feel blah,” and “the reason that choice/behavior/attitude bothers me is blah, and I believe in who you are and that you’re capable of better.”
Gentleness: Chances are, as your children age, they will do something to frustrate you. I keep mentioning those older children because, not only can they do something frustrating, sometimes they figure out how to push your buttons. If that’s happened, and you find yourself wishing you’d responded better, now is the time to demonstrate a gentle response. Listen to them, even if they’re wrong. Hear their feelings and show them they matter. Patiently teach. Use thoughtful words, body language and tone. Show care. This is closely related to the point on honesty and, in fact, the two need to go together. The upside is, you’ll be teaching them they can’t push your buttons, but they can engage with you in positive ways. It’s powerful.
Big picture thinking: Ok so we made a mistake. That doesn’t change our future hopes. Invite them into a future in which you are in right relationship and ask them to take steps to get there with you. End your discussion with a call to something good and worth working for together. Remind them how much you love them, what you see in them that is worth celebrating, and how the two of you can have many years together to make new, joyful memories. Focus yourself and your children on a hopeful future rather than the current hurt. (Note: This comes after acknowledging and healing from the hurt. It is not a step to ignore it.)
Fun: Life gets busy. If it’s been a while since you did something fun together, maybe break routine. Go get a treat. Go for a hike. Play a game. Share a joke. Breaking normal rhythms can also help you move past any patterns you might have been slipping into. Don’t underestimate the power of doing things together to kindle positive feelings between you and your children.

If you’ll commit to these postures, you’ll teach your children how to recover from mistakes, show them you’re human like them, and that you care for them.

I believe fathers can build a legacy of love that spans generations. If we’re going to accomplish that we’re going to need to lead through our mistakes as much as our wins-that or we’ll need that Delorean. Now excuse me…I’m off to give Z a hug and tell him/her I love him/her.

Thanks for taking time to read! If you appreciated this guide to responding to mistakes, please consider sharing with other dads and check out other 5X DAD materials (link in main navigation.)